On The Right Path, My Path

Sometimes, it’s hard to believe something that others have told you until you see it in black and white.

This is especially true if you weren’t ready to hear the truth before.

After more than a year and half, I finally requested copies of my surgical notes from my son’s Emergency Cesarean Section.  I wasn’t sure how I would react to seeing the medical documentation, but I want to be able to move forward with my recovery. Part of that is facing what happened, and seeing what caused it in order to try to have a different outcome in the future.  And what I found, was actually very validating.

You see, after my sons arrival, I was certain that my body had to have been broken.  I was convinced that there was something flawed with me that made it so that I couldn’t do the one thing that women are designed by the great Creator to do.  I felt like a failure, less of a woman, and on some days unworthy of being a mother.

Over the past year and a half, I have slowly but surely dragged myself out of that hole.  I have built myself back up piece by piece; literally step by step as I trained for my first marathon.  I felt like if I could just run further, and push harder, and do more – then surely next time I could birth my own child from my womb.

And as it turns out, my body was never broken.  I progressed to “complete effacement, complete dilation, and +1 station.  The patient pushed for greater than 90 minutes without a change in station. On assessment, [the OB] felt the fetal head to be asynclitic and ROP*.  Two attempts at manual rotation were unsuccessful.  The patient was counseled regarding the diagnosis of arrest of descent…”

After having been in active labor for more than 20 hours, my body had done everything that it could do to get my DS to come into this world on his own.  He just happens to be one stubborn boy.  I was exhausted, and he wasn’t budging.  As much as I had hoped and wished for a natural birth, it just didn’t happen for me.  And you know what?  I think I might be getting closer to the point where I’m okay with that.

Sometimes our toughest critic, and our hardest judge is ourselves. I feel a sense of relief after reading the surgical notes.. as if I’m cresting the top of the mountain and now I can see the path ahead of me clearly.  It’s looking pretty good from here.  Behind me is a tangle of self doubt and unrealistic expectations, ahead of me is the path to full recovery – body and spirit.

*asynclitic and ROP indicates that the head was tilted to the side rather than positioned correctly, and ROP stands for Right Occiput Posterior which means that the baby was “sunny side up” or was facing outward rather than facing back towards the mother.

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